Pseudomammal ([info]pseudomammal) wrote,
@ 2009-07-11 13:32:00
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[info]julieclipse died three years ago today. Three years. A third of the time she and I were friends. A quarter of the time since I met her. A little more than a tenth of my life. The same all-too-brief amount of time that she and I knew we wanted to be together forever. I can't stop counting.

Everywhere I look, life is short and everything changes. She's missing the future, and it bothers me. She'll never know about Obama. Or iPhones. Or the latest cetacean research. Or promising new kinds of birth control, cures for cancer, or vaccines for HIV. Or this really good book I read last week. When good things happen, I'm deprived of her joy. When confusing things happen, I'm deprived of her opinions. Soon my habit of this yearly posting won't make any sense — not because I'm getting over it, but because no one will read LiveJournal anymore. Her digital ghost has no Twitter or Facebook accounts.

Those previous, infinitely better three years, I skipped a number of fairly important things to spend time with her. At the time I felt a little guilty, but now I'm sure glad I did that.

If you were planning to spend any part of today fretting over some minor hassle, may I humbly suggest you skip it. Go hang out with people who mean something to you instead. It's a far better use of your time.

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[info]jwitchbaby
2009-07-11 11:14 pm UTC (link)
Thank you.

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[info]whetherwoman
2009-07-12 01:28 am UTC (link)
Yeah.

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[info]turq
2009-07-12 04:07 am UTC (link)
I'm constantly coming across articles and such, thinking about how she'd find them interesting. I've even caught myself starting to write an e-mail to her...

I certainly won't be trite and say 'I know how you feel.', because I very much don't. I definitely think of you both, and not at all just on this day, but often.

I won't ramble on, instead I'll take your advice, peel myself back away from the internet, and go see a friend.

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See, I am right.
[info]pairodox
2009-07-12 05:21 am UTC (link)
While she may not witness our future, she saw it pretty clearly, and a lot further forward than we are likely to make it.

See you next year, I hope.

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[info]dreefee
2009-07-12 05:23 am UTC (link)
I think of you two any time I waver about prioritizing human relationships in my own life. Thank you.

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[info]inthewall
2009-07-12 07:43 am UTC (link)
My time was well used tonight, then.

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(Anonymous)
2009-07-12 08:26 am UTC (link)
I spent tonight drinking after I sent Patrick away. Listened to Mr. Dolby. Now I'll probably log onto WoW and futz around with digital avatars until I realize I need to sleep, then will fight that urge a while longer. Talk to my dog. Hope she doesn't talk back.

I'm not good at this.

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From Max
(Anonymous)
2009-10-22 03:38 am UTC (link)
I gave a five minute eulogy for Julieclipse today, in my public speaking class. My voice was definitely faltering, toward the end of it. The assignment was just to speak about something or someone important to us. Other students gave speeches about their computer, the boarding house in Corvallis where they used to live, the Internet, their iPhone, cheeseburgers, and the entire car full of their closest friends in high school who were killed in a crash.

I had picked her as a topic without realizing just how much pain I had around the hole where she should be in my life: it's been a difficult week for me reading her ghost, selecting photos, and putting the speech together. I've realized that, without being particularly deliberate about it, I've been avoiding my old friends who were closest to her, because your pain brings out my own. Mere sympathy seems so trite, so pathetically ineffective. I don't know how to behave.

Dammit. I'm crying now. I miss her. I'm so sorry for all the pain you've felt. I wish that I'd stayed in better contact. I wish I hadn't made such an ass of myself so often. I wish we could have parted on better terms. I'm sorry. She'll never know how sorry I am, but you can. My grief may be a pale shadow of your own, but it's real. The world doesn't seem right without her.

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